I recently got an email asking me if I would like to come see the epic Detroit Auto Show known as NAIAS on Ford’s dime.   This is the big deal show win the area: the local news covers it like crazy, and for as long as I’ve lived here I’ve always wanted to check it out.  I’m not doing anything particularly urgent, so I decided to go see the shiny.  If you’d like to just skip my words and look at pictures of said shiny, you are welcome to do so.  I totally understand.

Monday night they treated us to a snackish dinner at the Henry Ford Museum.    For those of you not from around these parts, it’s actually a pretty incredible place.  They have old airplanes, and a zillion cars.  I had seen the place during the hottest days of summer for the Maker Faire a few months ago, and was really excited to see it less crowded.  The Ford “Community Influencers” event itself was held in a new exhibit tracing a long line of cars from every carmaker you can think of, as well as a bunch you can’t.

I spent a bit of time chatting with Kate Storey from the Museum, and was warned of a Thomas the Train event that occurs in a few months that I will likely be required to take my 2-year-old to, as well as about a sheep sheering that my Shawn the Sheep addicted 4-year-old will enjoy this summer in their nearby authentic turn of the century simulated village recreation called Greenfield Village. This is cool stuff if you’re a parent in the Detroit area, and for me it was an unexpected little treat.  But the main event was on Monday.

Now as vet of approximately one billion trade shows, I was a bit hesitant to spend yet another day of my life wandering the halls of a convention center.   Also, what i know about cars could fill about a half dozen 3×5 notecards, one-sided.  While I wanted to write about cars, I was more struck by the show itself, and the differences between what I was used to in the tech sector.

First, there are girls here.  Lots more girls.  But unlike most tech shows where the girls wear polo shirts and smile a lot and recite facts, at this show, some of the booths feature girls who wear very high heals and don’t recite ANY facts, and lean on cars in sexy smiling poses while you take their pictures.  Now personally I have no problem with this, but it’s just not something I’m used to.  After a trillion LinuxWorlds, I have never seen a girl in a prom dress drape herself over a copy of Ubuntu…

Next, the Ford Fusion announcement was epic.  They took the Red Wings hockey rink, errected a mini stadium inside of it, complete with those 360 degree movie screens that I primarily associate with virtual ride at Disneyworld.  There’s flashing lights and fog machines and thumping music and guys with impressive titles reading teleprompters.  I wonder if they consider this part of their job to be an exciting and rewarding part of the work, or if they feel like monkeys on parade.  I assume that these are really smart guys who know more about business than I ever will… but to just walk, smile a read to a crowd… also, I wish they wouldn’t be coy about price.  Just tell me the price.  You can change your mind later if you have to.

Key differences visible on the show floor:

• Beards: Less
• Suspenders: Same
• Bowties: More

Most impressive to me was the cleaning crew. Every time someone touched a car, a moment later they were followed by a person in  a blue shirt with a feather duster or a shammy. Every foot print was chased away by one of those silent push vacuums.  Maybe they are being a little more careful because it was day one of a week long event, but at most tech shows I’ve been at, it almost seems like some people are living in the booths.  Which is actually not that far from the truth… we kinda did for a few years in the late 90s.  The LinuxWorld people didn’t much care for us by the end, but I imagine the tent was a bit much.

But let me tell you the strangest thing: At a car show, there are these giant pieces of metal called “Cars” and people gather around them and discuss them.

No I’m not trying to be a smart-ass… let me explain what I mean here. At a tech show, most booths are selling something tiny and boring: A hard drive.  A microchip.  Or worse still… v6.5 of a string of ones and zeros shrink-wrapped into a box called “Software” that nobody ever actually buys in box form, choosing instead to download it.  In other words, there isn’t really anything tangible to look at.  At NAIAS there are dramatic visuals around every corner: The Ford Booth had a giant rotating elevator that rose into a hole cut in the ceiling.  Many of the booths are 2 stories and made with woods and metals and glass construction that would make a typical american home look like the sort of place where meth heads gather together to try to concoct their next fix.

No, at a car show, there are giant cars as far as the eye can see. Down every aisle are shiny pieces of glass and metal… as much sculpture as machine.  Some are conceptual at best, but most are practical and real drivable machines that you could find at a dealer soon if not already.  And Instead of discussing the theoretical and virtual, you can discuss a real object with a motor sitting right in front of you.  So I started asking questions.

At the Subaru booth I asked about the navi-computerin in my wife’s car.  It’s a piece of crap: it should be smashed and replaced with a tiny microwave oven to heat beverages.  So terrible is this device that it routinely becomes lost.  And I’m not talking about taking a left turn when you should have turned right… I’m talking about a computer that thinks my car is currently 15 miles out to sea, 100 MILES away from reality. No, this is not a hover car, or a boat/car hybrid.  And no, I am not in tunnels or between skyscrapers with obscured views of the satellites.   The excuse given to me is that it was a 2009… apparently a bad year.  Cars are like wine I guess, and I have a bad vintage.  Also the passenger seat causes my spine to want to leave my body after 100 miles. The 2013 fixes that apparently.  This does not help me.

At the Volvo booth I asked them about the suspension on their SUVs.  They made my wife get motion sickness when we were test driving cars a few years ago.  We seriously test drove every car within a 100 mile radius… and only the Volvos made her queesy.  And just to double check, we drove our NEIGHBORS volvo, and it did the same thing.  The guy thought I was an idiot, but I’m pretty sure they have a secret puke file where they know the truth, but there’s no freedom of information act inside Volvo, so we’ll never know.  But I bet my name is in there now.

At the Coda booth I think I made the guy mad.  I talked about how I couldn’t understand a $37k car that has a 100 mile range, and requires a special adapter to charge for 5 hours on the other end.  If it’s just a city commuter car, shouldn’t it be smaller, lighter, and cheaper?  Wouldn’t the indian Tata make more sense at that point?  Don’t get me wrong: I love the idea of the electric car.  I spent some time drooling over the Tesla while I was here too.  But if I can’t drive to Grandma’s house and back with 2 car seats and a trunk full of clothes and camera gear, then it’s a “Second” car  to me… and I can’t imagine spending $37k on a *second* car.  Fix any of these problems: Range, Charge Time, Charging Station, Price, and maybe you’ve got something.  And I know the industry needs to start somewhere.  Mostly I dig that there is a car company in LA making cars.  I just wish they weren’t boring looking and expensive and pretty much impractical.

At the Harmon booth I played with the disembodied dashboards of a half dozen cars.  And they all had iPods attached to them.  Each was slightly different.  None was exactly right.  It seems that each manufacturer aims to slightly customize their UI in an attempt to make their car “Experience” have a bit of a unique personality.  I imagine that a decade from now this stuff will be far more standardized, but for now we’re still in a state of exploration with regard to car/dash UI.  It’s annoying because they all feel a few years out of date.  The modern cellphone UIs are better and faster.

I guess it makes sense: Software moves faster than hardware.  And the automotive industry lags a few years behind the hardware industry.  But it just seems lame that the animation on a car dashboard has to have the herky jerky frame-dropping feel of software stretching beyond the bounds of its graphics.  And I continue to be baffled by the state of the on-board navigation computers and tom-toms.  The iPhone and the Android mapping programs are simply better.  What’s the point?

But I saw lots of neat things, many of which I took pictures of, and have shared in my G+ gallery.  Some of my favorites include the Mini Cooper on roller coaster tracks, the rotating Ford People Crusher, a picture of me wearing a goofy VR helmet in the Ford booth as well as an engine sliced in half like some kind of delicious meat sandwich.

Tomorrow I’ll write about Day 2, where Ford took our motley band of “Community Influencers” on a tour of their design facilitates where they showed us a bit about the design process and the tech that goes into building a modern automobile.

** Disclamer: As per Ford’s request for full disclosure: They paid for my accommodations, but these words represent my own opinions.  But I’m guessing you knew that already since I doubt any fortune 500 mega corporation has a strong opinion on the Beard Ratios of international tradeshows